(To follow along musically, click play on this YouTube Playlist and start reading along)
Love. It’s this complicated emotion that truly makes the world go round. It’s what wars are fought over. It’s what gets some people up in the morning and keeps others awake at night. And it’s what makes life just that much sweeter.
“I’m sorry that I missed your party | I wish I had a better excuse like | ‘I had to trash the hotel lobby’ | But I was busy thinking ’bout boys”
– Charli XCX, “Boys“
And then there’s lust. The opposite of sorts. It’s about the animalistic, magnetic connection. The desire to just fulfill every deep desire within. The difference between love and list for me hinges on personality. Where there is a mutual desire to fulfill one another, to better the other, and to actually care for the other so deeply. Love tends to fulfill these desires, while lust only gives the appearance of their presence.
“And I could try to run, but it would be useless | You’re to blame | Just one hit of you, I knew I’ll never be the same”
– Camila Cabello, “Never Be The Same“
Accounting for my own experiences in love and lust isn’t hard… I have a pattern when it comes to this elusive emotion. Let’s just say that I’m a hopeless romantic until I get crossed – then, all bets are off. Funnily enough, I think I’ve only been truly in love – you know, that all-encompassing, sweeping you off your feet, making you truly want to focus on that person and his or her betterment – a few times, and let’s just say that it wasn’t as reciprocated as one would hope (in that my feelings were never reciprocated. At all. 
). I know what you’re thinking – why would someone “so smart” continually make the same mistakes in love? What can I say? I fall hard and love harder. And doing things passionately has been a theme in my life ever since I was born.
Reminiscing about my missed opportunities recent romantic mishaps, I realize that I’m actually lucky. Lucky to have fallen in various forms of love. Feeling various levels of passion. And living truly and freely in a way that I would never regret. Thinking back on the loves of 2017, whether it be a closeted doctor, successful entrepreneur, or a guy with all the potential in the world, there was one golden thread that ropes them all together: each of them served a purpose in my own growth and development.
“Long night, with your hands up in my hair | Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs | Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share | ‘Cause I like you”
– Taylor Swift, “Delicate“
Take the closeted doctor: he helped me appreciate my freedom in unapologetically being myself. Of showing me that I was worthy of the love I bestowed upon him. That I, too, deserve happiness, even when going through familial hardships. He showed me the importance of demanding high standards. The importance of reciprocated love. And of pursuing people who will fulfill me in all aspects of life, not just someone who fits in the box of what my mother (and father at the time) would have deemed successful. The crux of the matter here relied on closeted doctor not being as straight-forward with his intentions. Eventually, I confronted him about what he was trying to gain from our relationship, and both of us were honest about our expectations. And it sucked. Yes, he took a month for me to get over, but, in the end, it was worth it – I got a pretty great friend out of the mix.
After the doctor, I told myself I was just going to focus on myself. I was being selfish and dating the entrepreneur: someone was the perfect blend of old school, introversion, self-fulfilling, and sexiness. He treated me well enough, communicating at least once a day, meeting up for weekly dates, and indulging in activities in which I wanted to partake. At that time, it was exactly what I needed. Our connection was quaint but it fulfilled us both perfectly – I wasn’t able to throw myself into a full-fledged relationship because I was still reeling from my father’s recent death and the entrepreneur had commitment issues. He had dealt with similar familial issues when he was my age, and when he was engaged in our relationship, he provided a level head to make sense of the many emotions I was feeling. He provided just enough attention to keep me interested and focused only on him (instead of having my usual stable of potential suitors). And then, the inevitable happened. I caught feelings. I started to look forward to our dates. I imagined him coming to dinner with my friends and me. Of us vacationing to exotic destinations, where he would indulge in his photography interests and we would just explore the unknown. Together. I was starting to build a life in my head with this person, and I liked it.
“No fear but I think I’m falling | I’m not proud | But I’m usually the type of [boy] that would hit and run”
– Rita Ora, “Your Song“
So, after nine weeks of dating exclusively, I asked the entrepreneur if we could put a label on it. The outcome: devastation. According to the entrepreneur, my financial situation made him commitment-phobic. He saw our differences in finances as a hindrance and a potential source of conflict. And that was that.
I learned a ton from the entrepreneur: everyone has different dealbreakers, one can find solace in even the darkest of places, and just because someone doesn’t have all of their ducks in a row doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of your attention. Though the relationship was fun while it lasted, the getting over process was anything but grueling – it was even more delightful. I was finally single, feeling gorgeous, and about to celebrate life in all its splendor with my best friends and accompanied by sun, tribal beats, and just a little bit of liquid courage.
“My love, he makes me feel like nobody else… | But my love, he doesn’t love me | So I tell myself, I tell myself… | I’ve got new rules, I count ’em”
– Dua Lipa, “New Rules“
It only took a couple of weeks to shake those feelings of love off, but I remained protective of my heart after the entrepreneur. I dated, yes, but I was much more selective with whom I spent my time. I was going through a ton and didn’t want to open myself up to even more emotional burden while dealing with the ebbs and flows of grieving after the death of my father. It wasn’t until after I came back from India – after I fell in love with myself, my history, my uniqueness, my imperfections, my passion, my caring, my everything – that I found my great love of 2017. And it wasn’t something that was cultivated through continued exposure – it was dynamic. Explosive. Flittering. Flabbergasting. Cinematic. It was everything.
Cue the guy with all the potential. Interestingly, this person was as far away from my usual type as one could be. Whereas facial hair, darker features, and a slight tinge of arrogance usually prevail, I found myself crushing on a pale, goober-like sweetheart with a patchy beard. This guy was handsome (aren’t they always), talented (boy was he talented), and his disposition left me feeling like a better person. He was like the sun – giving me so much warmth and peace of mind. And, like Icarus, I tried to get as close to it as I possibly could. I still remember our first exchange – I was actually nervous. I couldn’t string words together to save my life. But he smiled that giant smile and made me feel like everything was going to be alright.
“Ohh, tryna play it coy | Tryna make it disappear | But just like the battle of Troy | There’s nothing subtle here | In my room there’s a king size space | Bigger than it used to be | If you want you can rent that place | Call me an amenity”
– Selena Gomez, “Bad Liar“
And from that moment, life changed. When we were together, colors were more vivid. Those love songs actually made sense. I was dancing around the house again. Smiling more often. Laughing uncontrollably. Finishing projects. Becoming more confident in myself and my abilities. I was finding myself again.
They say life is circumstantial. It’s what you make of it. Let’s just say that my September global health tour in India had served as a primer for the transformation I would undergo over the next couple of months. Between the establishment of my identity in my own roots and this fruitful new friendship with this gem of a man, I felt untouchable. Like I could conquer my wildest dreams. Like I could change the world for the better. This person was the catalyst who believed in my potential. He saw things about me that I had lost over the years. He made me want to be a better person. He challenged me. To fulfill all of my potential. To reach those pinnacles of success. To be ambitious again. He helped me realize where I was and that I could actually fulfill my purpose in life. It was one of those transformative loves, different in its depth and power than any previous love could have been.
“Every look, every touch | Makes me wanna give you my heart | I’d be crushin’ on you, baby | Stay the way you are | ‘Cause I never knew | You could hold moonlight in your hands | ‘Til the night I held you”
– Ariana Grande, “Moonlight“
Honestly, I didn’t realize how far down the rabbit hole I had gone until it was too late – the feelings were there and they had snuck up on me. And now, they were starting to bubble over. Our interactions harbored much more for me than they did for said person. To me, we were building the foundation of a something more substantial than any regular friendship. As we progressed in our friendship, I never wanted to dwell on our different intentions because, at the end of the day, I was feeling fulfilled in ways that I hadn’t even expected could happen. I felt so confident because this person was in my corner. Cheering me on. Supporting me in all my endeavors. Pushing me to accomplish my goals and dream big again. It was the first time in a while I felt truly happy. And it was because of this person’s presence in my life.
But not everything was fine and dandy… as this person only sought a friendship from me, there were hopeful expectations that were just not being fulfilled. Exploration of other types of intimacy. Of a deeper romantic connection. One that would put the others I had felt to shame. Because I could feel how amazing our emotional connection already was – even in our short time as friends, our connection rivaled that of my own best friends’ with me. This person had established themselves as an integral part of my life. I would do anything and everything for this person as a result.
“I see it in the way that you behave around me | And I can’t tell | What we have is different from anyone else | Cause you stop doing what you’re doing | When I call you come to me running | And I would do the same for you | So tell me that you feel it too”
– Yuna Feat. Usher, “Crush“
I would genuinely look forward to hanging out with him, helping him in any way I could, and making his life just a little easier. It was that kind of love. The type that makes you suspend your own well-being for the other. The type that motivates you to be the best version of yourself so that you can be the best version for him. Oof. It was so sweet. And so fulfilling. And, as I’m sure you can guess, so tragic when it ended (spoiler alert: I’m still single lol).
As Usher said long ago, “U Got It Bad”. It was so true. My best friend(s) knew something was up – they had seen that I was spending an extended amount of time with this person. They observed how my whole demeanor changed when this person was in our midsts. I knew that I would ultimately get hurt, and this house of cards I had built would come crashing down at any second. As the holidays approached, I knew that I could no longer be satiated with just a friendship. In my mind, I knew that the friendship provided me with a type of high I had never felt before. I couldn’t even imagine the peaks of happiness I would feel if I added intimacy and romantic love to the mix. My friends could only see it going downhill from here as my feelings for this person would only deepen.
“When you feel it in your body | You found somebody who makes you change your ways | Like hanging with your crew | Said you act like you’re ready | But you don’t really know | And everything in your past, you wanna let it go”
– Usher, “U Got It Bad“
My friends, bless their hearts, implored me to ghost this person. I was distraught. Ghosting was, in my opinion, the coward’s way out. You relegate yourself to a life of regret and you remain dishonest to the one person you’d never want to ever hurt. As my two closest friends continued to tell me how ghosting would be the best solution, I began to disconnect. How could I, the champion of consent and honesty, not let someone know how amazing a person they are to me? How could I give up without having confronted the situation?
Confronting the situation… and that was how I knew what I was going to do. After a sullen train ride home, I broke my silence, suggesting that I just tell this person what was going on. Obviously the sparknotes version of the situation. At the end of the day, I wanted to test the waters and see if there could be any legitimacy to the feelings that coursed through my veins. Both of my best friends were taken aback – it hadn’t crossed their minds that someone would just confront how they approached love.
“I don’t know if you feel the same as I do | But we could be together, if you wanted to | (Do I wanna know?) | If this feeling flows both ways… | (Baby we both know) | That the nights were mainly made for saying | things that you can’t say tomorrow day”
– Arctic Monkeys, “Do I Wanna Know?“
I had the discussion. I asked the hard-hitting questions I was dying to get answered. It was right before the holidays. I kept telling myself that these feelings I felt for Boy with all the potential were one-sided, but a part of me felt like I may have been wrong. That there could be a chance he thought of me in a similar manner. That I fulfill him just as he had fulfilled me for so many months. Wishful thinking, I was certain, but I wouldn’t know for sure unless I confronted the situation. So what did I, the guy who has no cares about confronting issues head-on, exploring the discomfort, and learning from the raw emotion that is someone in his or her most vulnerable position, do? I looked him in his ocean-blue eyes and just asked him if he wanted to explore with me these feelings I had recently developed. Of course, I didn’t dare call it love – I didn’t want to divulge more information than I needed and risk scaring him away.
And I will never forget his response. He thanked me for sharing and then told me that he never saw nor would he ever see me in that manner. I was devastated and felt the sting of rejection and failure. And it sucked. He told me that he was proud of me for being so vulnerable and honest with him. And then asked me what he could do to help me with how I’m feeling. Emphasizing how he didn’t want me to leave his life and how he was sorry for causing me such pain. It was one of the most mature manners in which I had seen someone handle a situation of this nature. I told him I would reach out when I had moved on, come to some sort of peace regarding the situation itself, and could be the great friend I had been to him these past few months.
“I’m not the type of [boy] for you | And I’m not going to pretend… | And I break all the rules for you | Break my heart and start again | I’m not the type of [boy] you call more than a friend”
– Carly Rae Jepsen, “Your Type“
The results: not what I had hoped, but with it came clarity. Clarity of understanding that I am worth more than a unilateral love. That the feelings I have for someone else should be reflected back upon me. That friendships can become deeply meaningful and be just that. That someone else’s opinion of me doesn’t define who I am. That kindness comes in many forms. That some friendships are worth salvaging, especially when the people in them are inherently good people. And that I deserve the best. Because honey I’m worth it.
At the end of the day, these feelings could never be reciprocated – it was all in my head. The “signs” I had seen – they didn’t exist. As my friends and I discussed the aftermath, one brought up an interesting point. As honors students, we have been programmed to understand that things that are worth it require hard work and determination. This makes them worthy of us. And the payoff at the end of a long and tumultuous journey is supposed to be everything. In this sense, the harder or more impossible a Love seems, the more it can entice us. Because, to us, having to work hard to attain results makes it worthy of us. But, while that tends to be the case for life events, careers, and learning, does have to be a mainstay or necessity of love? I think the problem that many of us run into is that we can be attracted to the impossibilities. We like the challenge. The desire to change someone’s perspective. To convince them that you’re the one. But, in love, are we supposed to try to convince them of this? Or is it something that should just happen by itself? This dichotomy is what makes me apprehensive regarding all things love, but, I’m sure my adventures in the future will help shed some light.
“We both need fixing | But they can’t fix what’s true… | And I still remember that night in [November] | Ooh, it’s a true feeling”
– Galantis, “True Feeling“
During my “grieving period”, I analyzed and evaluated everything: every interaction, impulse, thought. I realized that boy with all the potential was right in his assessment of us… we weren’t necessarily romantically compatible. My head had been so clouded by the intense emotional connection that I forgot to consider the other factors that fed into a strong, healthy, and fulfilling romantic relationship. I realized in my hyper-analysis of everything related to this guy with all the potential that he understood me more than I had at that moment. That what I was feeling was just the love for a best friend, albeit one who was such a quick find. As a result of the speed in which we connected, I hadn’t had a chance to fully understand and explore the limits of our relationship. Of our friendship. Of where my actual feelings ended and the romantic in me started to build a narrative that I didn’t necessarily want. It was during this purge of everything related to the boy with all the potential that I was able to reconcile these strong emotions related to great friendship with my own grief and loneliness. I realized how these were separate things and that this boy with all the potential truly had the potential to fulfill me in terms of being a great friend, but he wouldn’t be able to scratch the surface when it came to fulfilling me in a romantic sense. And with that clarity came the ability to reach out and accept this amazing person for what he was: a great guy who will be an amazing and close friend. And just that.
I’m not going to lie – this aftermath of the revelation had been tough. The second-guessing oneself. The “what could I have done differently”… all of it. But even as I reflected on what actually happened, I don’t think there is one part I would have done differently. The hardest part was reckoning with maintaining a healthy friendship free of any lust. Or hope of changed opinions. I had to truly accept this friend for who he is. For what he wants romantically (not me ). And I am happy to report that I have accomplished this lofty goal.
“Ten months older, I won’t give in | Now that I’m clean, I’m never gonna risk it | The drought was the very worst… | The rain came pouring down | When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe | And by morning, gone was any trace of you | I think I am finally clean”
– Taylor Swift, “Clean“
At the end of the day, I now have a clearer idea of what I deserve for a lifetime of happiness. I now have a measuring stick for which I will measure all future potential beaus. Because I want someone who can inspire greatness in me the way this person has. I know what life is like with a friendship of this caliber – and I can only imagine what it would be like with a love so sweet.